What's the hardest part of parenting or teaching for you? For me, it's supporting a child in being who they are without limiting themselves to get by in this world. Navigating the ups and downs of social interactions that, essentially, you have little to no real influence in. To see your wonderful, sparkly, sweet child reach out for friendship and get shot down. To see them make themselves smaller, less obtrusive, less unacceptable, just... less... to help themselves fit in and be likeable.
They don't know that the child rejecting them might be having a rough day, might be tired, hungry or sore. Might even have been treated badly at home; they might have been yelled at, hit, or ignored. They don't know how many times that other child may have been rejected, and has no awareness of what their impact on another might be.
Words have power. We found this out early. Early childhood centres and kindergartens are filled with adorable little people just learning what language is. A phrase popped up one year that served a purpose but was wrong on so many levels, and it spread like wildfire. Children would approach each other during free play time and want to start a game (or even finish one), and if the child was not interested in this particular game, they would say, "No, you're not my friend anymore." Somehow, instead of saying. "not right now" or "I'd rather play something else/with someone else right now," saying no had been aligned with the concept of overall friendship. The fallout from this was intense, with different children who had a broader understanding of language feeling extreme rejection. So many tears. And so many experiences that serve to dampen their motivation to reach out and try again.
Everywhere, the message is to fit in and be like everyone else. Have a different kind of lunch? Too ethnic, too healthy, too many packets, not enough packets—whatever the current local trend might be? "Ew, what are you eating. That's weird." I can't tell you how many years it took to recover some highly enjoyable foods that disappeared off the menu because someone had implied that it wasn't something you could eat and still have friends.
How odd that to have friends you'll need to adjust yourself until you're a mere copy of those around you and a shadow of your beautiful self. What is it about our society that has made it important above all else that you should hide all your wonderful weirdnesses? I have some suspicions... there's money to be made in everyone thinking the same and wanting the same things. The homogenised human is forming and we all have the same phone, car, clothes, hair, and maybe even the same cheeks, lips, and chin. It feels like even the most extreme different ways of being have been commodified with labels, little boxes to check, how do you identify? More clubs of people to fit in with or be cast out from, more limits on what you're allowed to be.
What can we do about this? I don't really know any other answer other than to be able to live according to our own guiding light. To be strong in the face of pressure and influence. To be quiet enough in our own minds to be able to hear our own hearts. What's right for you or me or anyone else won't be even remotely the same, and that's the point. We should all nurture our own wonderful weirdness while allowing others to be who they are. There might only be small overlaps of ideas and interests where we resonate together, but surely that's enough to enjoy friendship?
Imbuing this strength into the minds of children is the real trick. We don't remember what it is like to live knowing that this time will pass and that you might not even remember the names of the people that are your whole life experience in a classroom. Standing out when you are so small and there are so many people around you feels risky. And risk has been deleted from a generation. Not only risk, but connection and community were gone for months or more for all those lockdown children. The messaging would be a part of their cellular memory: don't take risks, stay quiet, stay home, stay safe. It's okay to just have friends online, physical touch is dangerous.
I'm not going to bother with the science and the stats here, other than to say that messaging is anathema to basic human needs and we are going to be seeing the consequences of lockdowns for a long time to come. The hit to relationships is well documented by now, and it's time to start seeing the opportunity within the challenge and find the gifts hidden in our experiences. There is no experience that can’t be transmuted into gold.
Because all of this is just a story, really. And stories can be changed. And that's the final point. Thoughts turn into feelings, which become beliefs, which result in behaviours. But where do those thoughts originate?
Thoughts come from all around us. They come to us in the form of family, friends, strangers, community, culture, society, information and news; even generational and ancestral thoughts still actively inform our thinking. It's possible to live a life without questioning where these thoughts come from. When you have a problem you might actively seek out new thoughts to help resolve it. But are we looking at what our thoughts are, where they came from, and whether we want to own them still?
What would your life be like if you were aware that you had the freedom to choose who you wanted to be?
I'm interested in this idea for myself, for my child, and for any children who might read my books. All it takes is one little idea that you might be able to choose what's going on in your own mind and changing your mind could transform your whole life.
We can teach children to consciously choose their thoughts, feelings and beliefs. And that could change everything.
If this is something that interests you, I have created (and will continue to create) books to help children choose who they want to be. Scroll down to see some featured positive psychology collections of books on friendship, family, self-care and positive self-talk, neurodiversity, and more. And if you don't see the book on the subject you need, leave a comment and I'll do my best to make one for you.
Books on friendship - small formats for PARENTS, student reading or libraries
Our relationship with ourselves and others forms the basis of our sense of wellbeing. Learning to develop and maintain connections and friendships is an essential skill that we begin to explore in the early years.
"My Friends" book series including the following titles:
How to Make a New Friend
I am Included
Our Friendship
I'm a Good Friend
I Can Make Up
"My Friends" A4 book small format for parents and student use.
In this book, we discover friendship by starting with the most important relationship we will ever have - the one with ourselves! By practising self-care and positive self-talk, we develop a sense of wellbeing and better able to be kind and compassionate with others.
Relationships can be extra challenging for neurodiverse children. See our books on neurodiversity here 🖱️ 👉 NEURODIVERSITY & SELF-BELIEF COLLECTION
What would your life be if you knew you had the choice?
Use this book to show children their power to consciously create your their thoughts and feelings. Change your thoughts, change your life!
Books on friendship - large formats for TEACHERS, student reading or libraries
Our large format A3 sized Big Books are the ultimate in shared reading experiences. See our friendship series for positive psychology self-talk and strategies for conflict in the classroom.
#friendship #rejection #authenticfriends #parentinglife #teachinglife #relationships #parentingstruggles #teachertribes #socialemotionallearning #earlychildhood #middlegrades #raisingkids #positiveparenting #classroommanagement #socialdevelopment #emotionalintelligence Wading through rejection to find friendship
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